CONTROL TOWER TO PILOT

[mur2d2]

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world. Remember that the conversations are heard by all pilots on that frequency in that area.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm ****ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was ****ing bored, not ****ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground contr

 

[slpkntheretic666]

Pmsl, those have to be the funniest things I've heard in ages!

 

[zmetcuqtitsihreug]

Very funny, and I can well believe they're all true. This conversation was overheard at about 2,000 feet by a private pilot (light aircraft) I used to know:

Novice pilot on solo flight: "Can you help me find my way back to the airfield?"
Air traffic control: "Please state your position."
Novice: "I don't understand - what do you mean?"
Control: "Where are you?"
Novice: "I don't know, I'm ****ing lost!"

 

[the chubbster]

Oh they're great, I do love this jokes forum, it really cheers you up after a long day

 

[IncixDit]

Thanks guys, those were great!

When I was flying Longhaul in the 70's, there was a story going around about an incident at Delhi airport where a Pan Am jumbo was told to hold, circling east to west at 10,000 feet. A few minutes later the Pan Am Captain heard the Tower give an identical instruction to a KLM aircraft, just circling in the opposite direction.

The Pan Am Captain yelled down the radio "What the h*** are you doing!" and this little voice came over the radio "Oh my God, not another day like yesterday..." [sm=speechless-smiley-040.gif]

There was also a story that I remember was absolutly true about a certain African airline (whose name shall remain nameless) where both pilots had diarrhoea and they put the aircraft into autopilot and both rushed out of the flight deck at the same time to the loo. The passengers were then treated to the very alraming sight of these two pilots breaking the door down with an axe to try to get back in (it had been in an automatic locking mode) Well, all I can say that in my time when we had axes (they don't anymore) they were always kept safely on the flight deck - and not in the cabin!

Judy

 

[reynwater]

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Verrrrrrrry gooooood.